How to keep warm while dining outdoors

New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio has finally come around to year-round outdoor dining, but the actual guidelines for restaurants looking to keep patrons warm in the colder months are scant. Luckily, we’ve got you covered (sometimes literally) below, with a rundown of how to stay warm while dining outside.

1. Set up tables next to a burning cop car, because we’re an anarchist jurisdiction baby.
2. Get an extra mask to use solely as a neck warmer.
3. Commission New York’s prisons to make HotHands hand warmers instead of hand sanitizer.
4. Wait for the second wave to really hit and then get a big ol’ fever from COVID-19.
5. Incorporate the overflowing trash bins on the street as part of your set-up, and have customers DIY barbecue.
6. Steal an authentic fur coat from an MIA ultra-wealthy Manhattanite – they won’t miss it in St. Thomas.
7. Wait until climate change gets just a little bit worse.
8. Trust de Blasio that “winters are different now” and don’t bother.